I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
