i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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