there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Randomize
