do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
