i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
