He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
