some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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