your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
