and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
