I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
