i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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