She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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