You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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