You can't motorboat a personality
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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