dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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