How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
