So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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