I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
