my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
