i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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