ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
