if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
