tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
