i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
