apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
