My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
