i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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