A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
