We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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