His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i've created a new STD.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
