dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
