my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
