Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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