I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
