dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
