did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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