the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
