God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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