don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
