I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sobbing to NWA
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
