Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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