I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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