The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
