I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
