Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
