It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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