I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
