I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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