My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
