I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
