I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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